a lower low
oh boy, i haven't felt the want to breakdown in a while. i look a last year and realize how little progress i've made as a person. as an artist, i've made a lot, but as a person, i'm still sad as fuck (i won't say depressed cause i hate self-diagnosis) and i'm stuck in a fucking loop of shitty habits and behaviour and i hate it.
it's like there's two Gio's living in my head: the old shitty one who has most of the control and the ideal one that's trying to instal himself. but the old one keeps fighting for custody and he keeps fucking winning, but i keep trying, but every loss feels worse. i keep trying and trying and trying.
i have to make a new plan or something. cause when Old Gio was at his prime, he didn't know he was shitty. but now that i have self-awareness, every shitty thing i do has more weight because I KNOW IT'S HAPPENING. do you know how fucking annoying that is? to know that you're doing something shitty but feeling like you have to no control over stopping yourself from doing it? like you're in the fucking passenger seat and you know that the driver is making bad choices but you can't do anything to stop him. that's where i'm at.
do gods get sad?